The Hookup
by odd-gelato
Summary: For the AU prompt: "hey we hooked up last night and it turns out you are my childs teacher"


Heinz squinted one eye open and felt a moment of disorientation. This was absolutely not his room, or his bed. It was too tidy, and the mattress was too comfy. Where was he? How had he gotten here? He rolled onto his back. There was an empty space next to him in the bed, and he shielded his eyes against the light that shone through the blinds and pricked at his headache.

Headache. Hangover. Right. He'd gone drinking last night. It had been the anniversary of his divorce and a new, supposedly hip gay bar had just opened up relatively near his house. So he'd thought, what the heck. Let's get smashed. He hadn't expected to actually hook up with anyone, but apparently he had.

Floorboards creaked, and he looked over at the doorway and the young, teal-haired man standing in it. He was short, well-built, and was wearing nothing but boxers. The thought _damn I scored_ popped into Heinz's head.

"I made breakfast," the young man said.

Heinz blinked, surprised by both the man's Scottish brogue and the fact that he'd actually made breakfast. "Cool," he said as he sat up, because he couldn't think of anything else to stay. He didn't think he'd ever had breakfast with a random hook-up before. Not like he'd had many random hook-ups. Looking around, he spotted his clothes neatly folded on the nightstand beside him.

The man waited patiently as Heinz fumbled his pants on, feeling incredibly self-conscious under the seemingly impassive gaze. Tugging his shirt down over his head, he followed the shorter man into the apartment's small kitchen.

"You know," Heinz said. "I don't think I caught your name. Or I just don't remember."

The man smiled wryly. "Perry," he replied. "You're Heinz Doofenshmirtz."

Heinz groaned internally, wondering how much he'd blabbed last night. He was naturally talkative, and even more so when he was drunk.

Then he caught a whiff of bacon, eggs, and coffee, and he forgot about everything except the fact that he needed all three of those things right away.

Almost as if he could read minds, Perry handed Heinz a steaming mug and gestured to the kitchen's tiny table, where there were already two plates set out.

Feeling a bit awkward, Heinz sat down and began to eat. If Perry was aware of the older man's vague discomfort, he gave no sign, and they ate in silence.

As he crunched on a piece of bacon, Heinz reflected on the previous night. His memories were blanketed in a haze of alcohol and he couldn't recall any specifics, but he _did_ remember it being fairly awesome. He wondered if he should ask Perry for his number, but by the time he finished his plate, he still hadn't worked up the courage.

"So, uh," he said, fidgeting with his empty mug. "I should probably go- I mean- This was pretty great, it's just, I have, like, things I need to do- Not, not to say it's more important! It's just- Responsibilities and stuff-"

Perry smiled slightly, amused. "I understand."

"Oh," Heinz said. "Okay. Well. Thank you. For, y'know, breakfast. And, and the rest. Thanks for that, too."

"Ye're very welcome," Perry replied.

And then Heinz was in the elevator, berating himself as he rode it down. "You could have just asked him! It's not hard – Hey, what's your number? Simple! And the worst that could happen is he says no. Like, it wouldn't be the end of the world!_ Dummkopf_!" Out on the street now, he flagged down a cab and gave the driver his address. Perry had offered to give him a ride home, but of course he'd declined because he was an absolute _schnitzel_. He told all this to the cabbie, who nodded along with a bored expression and told him how much he owed when they reached his apartment building. Heinz paid him and continued his rant on the elevator up to the top floor. "He's totally out of my league but he seemed pretty fine with that. I mean, he _did_ sleep with me! But I couldn't just _take the chance_, could I?" He opened his apartment door with more force than strictly necessary and stormed inside. "Finally, a one-night stand where you don't wake up hating yourself, and you totally blow it!" He groaned and flopped down on his couch, throwing one arm over his eyes. "Whatever. I'll get over it."

Of course, he didn't get over it. It kept popping into his head, unbidden, at random and often inconvenient moments. He'd be in the middle of grading papers and just get the sudden urge to bang his head on the table. In his Monday class, he snapped a piece of chalk in his fingers while drawing a diagram on the chalkboard. On Wednesday, he kicked a rock in the campus parking lot and accidently hit a car, setting off the alarm. Friday he considered revisiting the bar to see if he could find Perry again, but decided the evening would be better spent grading tests from his Engineering 101 class and hated himself for it.

Then Monday rolled around again, and it was his turn to pick up Vanessa from school. She'd texted him to say that she was staying late to work on extra credit and wouldn't be done until around 4:30. He showed up in the main office a few minutes early and inquired after her.

"Oh, she's in Mr. Fletcher's room," replied the lady behind the desk. "Third floor, room 318. You can go on up."

Heinz thanked her and took the stairs. There was something a little eerie about the empty halls of a high school after-hours. He located 318 and tested the door handle. Finding it unlocked, he opened the door and poked his head inside.

Vanessa was at the front of the room, talking to a teacher sitting behind a desk. A teacher with teal hair.

"You!" Heinz blurted before he could stop himself.

Perry and Vanessa both looked over. "Dad?" Vanessa asked.

"Uh," Heinz said, catching himself just a little too late. "Hello, sweetie."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "I didn't realize you'd met Mr. Fletcher already."

Heinz tried not to look guilty and failed. "Sort of," he said. He took a deep breath. He'd been beating himself up for over a week now, and he'd just been handed a second chance. If he let it pass him by, then he really _was_ a schnitzel. "Why don't you take your stuff down to the car? I'd like a word in private with, uh, Mr. Fletcher."

"Sure, whatever," Vanessa replied. The two adults waited in silence as she slipped her books into her bag and slung it over her shoulder, Heinz doing his best to not look over at Perry. "Just don't take too long," she added as she headed out the door.

Then they were alone.

"Soooo," Heinz said, rubbing his arm awkwardly.

Perry shuffled some papers on his desk into a neat stack. "I was wonderin' when we'd be runnin' intae each other again."

Something clicked. "You _knew_!" Heinz exclaimed, jabbing an accusatory finger. "You knew I was her dad this whole time!"

Perry shrugged. "I had an inklin'. Doofenshmirtz is nae exactly a common name."

"And that didn't seem… _weird_ to you?"

"Well, I _was_ a wee bit drunk," Perry admitted, "and I was nae quite thinking with my head. But I d'nae regret it, if tha's what ye're askin'."

Heinz shoved his hands into his pockets. He thought it probably _should_ be weird, but he wasn't really feeling it. Vanessa would be mortified if she found out, but what else was new? "S-so," he stammered out, cheeks burning. "Would you like to go dinner some time?"

"Aye," Perry replied with a smirk that sent Heinz's mind to all kinds of places. "I'd like that."


End file.
